What is your body saying that your words aren't? We're constantly communicating to people even when we're silent, and that communication comes from our body language. Our body language encompasses our whole body: facial expressions, eye movements, handwringing, posture, arm position, vocal tone, etc. The cliche "Actions speak louder than words" is true, especially when our words send one message and the body sends a conflicting message. When that happens, my tendency is to believe the body's message more than the words I hear.

I recently attended an introductory seminar put on by my friend Betty, whom I greatly respect. The seminar was promoting an independent educational organization that teaches a thinking style which she credits with changing her outlook on life. Based on her experience, she's become an advocate for the organization and tells others about it. During the question and answer session, another attendee, Lon, asked if the methods were similar to EST. I vaguely remember EST and know it was controversial. Almost as soon as Lon finished his question, Betty and two other people representing the organization (Carl and Inga) vigorously answered "NO, of course not. This is completely different."

Based on the excited tone in their voices and their animated body language, I felt there was more to their NO answer. They continued talking (big mistake), and I found out that the people who started this organization bought the "technology" from the man who developed EST. Inga answered that the information had been changed, so it was completely different than EST; however Betty conceded that the founder of EST occasionally consulted with the organization. Watching their body language and listening to their words raised more questions for me than they answered. My main question became "If the technology was completely different, why was the he being consulted?" If Betty, Inga, and Carl had remained calm, allowing their body language to match their words, Lon's question may have had no impact on my feelings about the organization whatsoever. Now I'm skeptical.

Our body language and vocal tone either support our words or they contradict them. In 1967, UCLA professor Albert Mehrabian, Ph.D. conducted and published two studies on communication patterns. The results have been interpreted, often inaccurately. Dr. Mehrabian studies showed that 55% of the message is body language, 38% vocal tonality, and 7% words. From my reading about the studies, Dr. Mehrabian wrote that for incongruent communication, the body language and tonality were better indicators of the person's emotions or meanings than the words; however, during normal communication or speeches, the words carry more weight than 7% of the message.

So how is this information useful? First, be aware of your body language when you're talking with someone. If a man is on a date with a woman and says he's excited to be with her but looks around the room at everyone but her, what message does that give her? Probably that he's not that interested in her. That may not be the case, but that's her perception, and perception is reality. I've found that people frequently focus on their words, and ignore the message their body language gives. I have a nervous habit of spinning my wedding ring around my finger. I'm probably not bored with my companion, but my ring may bother me; so I adjust it to make it more comfortable on my finger. When I catch myself fiddling with my ring, I stop so I don't give the wrong impression.

Now that you're aware of the importance of body language, does your body language support your words or does it raise questions in your customers, friends, or acquaintances? Even if you are aware of your body language but you're being deceptive, you can only consciously control a few your aspects of your body language. Your subconscious will control other parts of your body, which to the trained or observant eye/ear, will give you away. The best choice is to be truthful, so your words, tone and body language are congruent.

Now, what were you saying?