"Do my hips look thinner?"

When my wife Debbie asked me that question, I didn't know what to say. Being a Toastmaster, I was glad it wasn't a table topics question.

Ladies, maybe you can help me . . . does my wife really want me to tell her the truth?

I was ready to give her my answer, then I stopped. Is there something more to her question than just the shape of her hips?

We live in a society where many people, outside of some professional development groups, hear very few encouraging comments or acknowledgement of the positive actions a person takes. Encouraging words are nothing new. There are verses in the Bible from King Solomon's time that instruct people to watch their words and only use ones that build up others. There are more verses in the New Testament with a similar theme. Clearly we haven't listened to the advice. When the lack of encouragement is combined with our negative self talk, it leads to a great deal of personal and professional dissatisfaction. We're more willing to tear people down or maybe even worse, ignore them, rather than build people up.

Are you familiar with the rhyme, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"? I read and study a lot on psychology and how our minds works, so my first reaction when I studied this saying was, "What idiot came up with this. This person must be dead from the heart up!"

After I calmed down, I decided to look at it from a different perspective. Why would someone come up with this. I concluded a parent developed it as a mantra for his child to use when being teased. A worthwhile goal; however, the problem is this isn't how our mind works.

I think back to when I injured my knee, or broke my wrist, or got hit in the face with a baseball, and those memories are beneign. However, when I think about the teasing I received in 7th grade from Mike Majors about being overweight, which I was, that still hurts today. The wound of words goes far deeper than any physical scar I have.

The next phase in our lives is when we start working. How many of you look forward to your performance review? I took an informal survey and few people look expectantly this event. One purpose of the the review is to determine who will receive a bonus because businesses use the bonus as an incentive; however Gallup Organization survey's found that while people like the money, it's a poor motivator. Employees see the bonus as an something they are entitled to for doing their jobs, just like their salary.

What employees want are praise and acknowledgement for the actions they take to do their jobs. If supervisors gave sincere praise to their employees consistently, people would be better motivated.

Oh,don't forget the cash, it's a tangible expression of the praise.

It really doesn't matter a person's status. After winning her second Academy award within 5 years, Sally Fields reportedly exclaimed "You like me, you really like me." When she won this award, she was a veteran actress with an extensive resume, and what she lacked was the acknowledgement of her peers, which the Oscar provided.

The benefits of positive comments are both immediate and long-term. After encouraging someone, the first action you'll notice is the smile that comes out, just like she's in the spotlight. You'll see her stand straighter, her shoulders back, chest out.

"Hey someone noticed."

Long-term, positive comments reinforce the changes and actions she's taking, and inspires her to continue what she's done. It's a very gratifying experience to see. Encouraging words have an even greater impact for someone whose actions are viewed as failure.

My wife Debbie started playing the guitar last year after a layoff of over 20 years. In February she played and sang before a small group at our church. Her allerigies were acting up that night, so she choked her way through the lyrics a couple times plus she mis-strummed a few notes on her guitar. After she finished people complimented her on her playing and singing.

On the way home we talked about it, and she didn't feel she performed very well. We talked about why people complimented her and we decided there were three groups of people:

First there are the nice people.
Second, some people wouldn't get on stage to perform and admire those who are willing to get on stage.
The third group, well they just have low standards.

No matter what the reason, Deb appreciated the compliments and vowed to play better the next time.

One of my favorite songs is "Voice of Truth." The song is about a man who has great dreams, but everytime he starts taking action toward his dreams by stepping out of his comfort zone into the realm of the unknown, voices in his head laugh at him, remind him of past failures, and mock him "YOU CAN"T WIN."

But this is a song of hope. He reminds himself to choose to listen to the voice of truth, the voice that tells him "DON'T BE AFRAID. . .YOU CAN SUCCEED."

Through my experiences, I relate to this man's emotions because I've had the same ones. That's why the song impacts me. I remember times I struggled while straining to hear that voice of truth. Thinking what could be different, I'm reminded of Gandhi's quote "Be the change you want to see in the world." Because of my history, I can be a chorus of encouragement for people who are listening for the voice of truth.

I also have the answer to Debbie's question. She wants my acknowledgement and encouragement that the changes she's making to her diet and exercise are noticeable to me.

The next time she asks "Do my hips look thinner?", I'll open my music and sing praises to her for the actions she's taking to improve her life.

What words do you use?