Mike, a salesman, went into an office for a meeting on advertising products. At the front desk he's introduced to an older gentleman, Mr. Williams. Mike firmly grasps the older man's right hand to shake it, but misses Mr. Williams wince as he looks down the hallway for his appointment. Mike does notice the older man rubbing his hand as he walks away.

During Mike's meeting in the conference room with Mr. Evans, he's introduced once again to Mr. Williams. Only this time Mr. Evans adds that Mr. Williams is the president of company. Mike notices that Mr. Williams is still rubbing his right hand and flexing his fingers during the remainder of the meeting.

Before the meeting, Mike thought he was there to close a deal based on previous conversations with Mr. Evans; however, no order is place or agreement signed because Mr. Williams wants to talk the Mr. Evans in private. After the meeting, Mike is thanked and led to the door, sans order.

What happened?

Men are notorious for firm handshakes to the point of crushing the other person's hand. Some see it as a contest as to who can exert the most pressure, and the first to release their grip loses. In Mike's case, shaking Mr. Williams hand to the point of pain, causing Mr. Williams to rub his hand and flex his fingers, left Mr. Williams with a bad feeling. Was Mike aware of others around him, or only his needs?

On the other hand (pun intended), some women offer a hand that feels like it just came off a cadaver, limp and cold. A cold hand can be remedied with a glove, but some women are taught to offer a delicate hand which feels lifeless. My friend Lorene grips my hand with her palm down and lifts her hand like she expects me to kiss her hand, only she pumps it up and down a couple times making her hand a moving target to kiss. These women never met my aunt Bertha.

One of my most vivid memories about aunt Bertha was when she taught me to shake hands. She lived in Buena Park, CA, and we lived in northern Idaho. She didn't come to visit very often because of her age, and she didn't drive. When I was 10, aunt Bertha came to visit. We met her at the airport and after all the hugs, she came up to me and stuck out her hand. I knew enough that she wanted to shake hands, so I put my hand in hers. "What kind of a handshake is that? Put your palm against mine, squeeze firmly with your fingers, pump your arm up and down two or three times, then release. That's a handshake." We practiced a few times, and when I did it to her satisfaction, we hugged, and our group went home. For the rest of her trip whenever we met, we shook hands.

That's the way I shook hands (firm grip, 2-3 pumps, release) with people until a few years ago. As I started studying rapport, the thought came to me that one way to build rapport was by matching the other person's handshake. Depending on the situation, I may not have much time to match their body language or their vocal style, so why not use the main contact, a handshake, to build rapport? I've found this to be successful in making the person feel comfortable quickly because I shake hands like them.

I don't try to compete with the bonecrusher men, but offer those guys a firm hand. For ladies, I don't have to worry about whether my handshake is too hard on her if I match her hand pressure. I do apply a slight pressure to those with really limp hands, so she knows I'm alive. By matching their shake rather than making it a competition, I won't blow the next order, um I mean, Mike won't lose the order.