How do you build rapport?

Before building it, maybe defining it is a good first step. Rapport is the ability to connect with other people. When we meet another person we want to get to know, we need to establish rapport with him or her before we can get to know him. Generally we're most comfortable and like people who are like us.

My wife and I watched the movie Legally Blonde 2 recently, and there are some great tips on building rapport. Legally Blonde 2 is where Elle Woods goes to Washington to work for a Congresswoman in hopes of passing animal rights legislation. She has trouble connecting with her co-workers and the members of Congress who see her as an airhead.

If she wants to have any chance of passing her bill, Elle begins researching the people she wants to influence by listening and observing. To build rapport with them,she:

1) Shares experiences - one person Elle wants to influence is a congresswoman. Elle happens to "run into" her at the salon. Elle begins by appealing to the woman's logic and emotion, without success. Then she notices a sorority pin worn by the congressman. As a member of the same sorority, Elle mentions a shared experience that only women from that sorority would know. They talked excitedly about their shared experience.

By noticing the congresswoman's pin and talking about something they have in common, Elle builds rapport to someone who previously won't talk to her, and who now will listen to Elle proposal. The congresswoman may not agree, but at least she'll listen.

2) Shared interest - Elle is advocating a bill on animal rights research. Few Congressman listen to her because of campaign donations. One day Elle is walking her dog, and meets a man walking his rotweiller. The dogs start playing, and she starts a conversation with the dog's owner about their mutual interest, canine companionship and how much the dogs mean to them. She finds out that he is the co-chair of the committee to hear her bill.

A mutual interest is an opportunity to build rapport with someone who previously wouldn't talk to her.

A third way to build rapport, is using similar body language. While not in the movie, making people feel comfortable around you helps to open people up to talking. One easy technique is called "Matching and Mirroring". Matching a person's body language, movements, and speaking style helps to connect with others.

The idea isn't to manipulate or make fun of the other person but make the person feel comfortable. You don't need to match the other person forever, just long enough to gain trust.

Depending on the situation, another easy technique is smiling to build rapport. Make sure the situation is appropriate before smiling. Otherwise, you'll be perceived as strange or goofy, which will scare most people away.

While Legally Blonde 2 is movie that writers can create the scene to fulfill their goals, these rapport techniques are proven to work in our world as well as in a movie.

My friend Mike is a mortgage broker. As part of his service, he goes to his customer's home to sign the final papers. Mike had worked with a woman to refinance their mortgage, and went to her home to have her and her husband sign the paperwork.

When Mike got there the husband was sitting at the table. As Mike explained all the papers and where they needed to sign, the husband sat back with his arms crossed hardly saying a word and a disapproving look on his face.

I don't think athletes sign their names at a card show as much as someone has to sign their name on mortgage papers in California.

After a while, the people wanted to take a break. Mike stood to stretch his legs and limped away from the table. A motorcycle accident 15 years ago left Mike with severely broken ankle that multiple surgeries have never been able to repair. As Mike limped away to loosen up his leg, the man gruffly remarked "You making fun of my walk?"

Mike was stunned. "No, you were sitting at the table when I came and haven't moved. I broke my ankle in a motorcycle accident and sometimes it gets stiff on me."

Come to find out, the man was a roofer. He fell off a roof, breaking both ankles and now walks with a limp. He and Mike started comparing scars. By the time Mike left, he had plans to go motorcycle riding with his client. What started with unintentionally similar body language, moved to shared experience then finally shared interests allowing Mike to build a friendship that initially started out as an adverserial relationship.

Since I'm in sales and meet frequently with people for the first time, rapport building is a key to building my business. There are other ways to build rapport with people. Shared interests, shared experiences, and body language are some of the easiest to use. Give them a try and see if you have the same success.